Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
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Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Sniffing the broccoli
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”