[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
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Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.