*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
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I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect