I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
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Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳