Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
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I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Isn’t
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all