Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
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This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.