I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
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A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.