“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
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Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
wow
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome