Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
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DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.