How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
You Might Also Like
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed