[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
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Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet