I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
You Might Also Like
Story of my life…..
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.