*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
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Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
the icebreaker
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Me sliding into hell like
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
TRAIN’S HERE
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?