the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
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Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
*puts my mental health in rice
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
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After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.