My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
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If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-