If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
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There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Breaking news:
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
This is my pinned tweet
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Breaking news:
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
eating my hot dog hamburger style