After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
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I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Kermit goes Blue.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
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Did my cat write this
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
it be like that
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….