Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
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“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?