“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
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My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.