NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
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With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Midwest trash talk
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.