Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
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He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
can’t bark with your mouth full
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
ibopfufen
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.