I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
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I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I know karate and tons of other words.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.