If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
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6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN