If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
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I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My dating profile:
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness