Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
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4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.