A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
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Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
So creative 😂
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”