Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
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If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
that’s really how it is
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently