Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
“what’s it like having a sister?”
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?