The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
You Might Also Like
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
this is the best interaction on twitter
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
A drum solo but on your face.