6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
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She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.