[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
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7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.