I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
You Might Also Like
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car