A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
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Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
[eulogy]
line?