I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
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My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.