Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
You Might Also Like
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬