“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
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i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?