imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
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I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Facebook memories be like
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
barbara was highly relatable
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
When I can’t barge, I careen.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.