i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
You Might Also Like
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.