Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
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Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.