cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
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Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.