Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
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I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.