I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
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“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Word.
~ Microsoft.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.