When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
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Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir