Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
You Might Also Like
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing