Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
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You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot