I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
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*pronounces UPS like yoops
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.