50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
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girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.