Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
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If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall