Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
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ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
good work, everybody
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Watson was Holmes schooled
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.