I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
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Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year